Florida may be a vacation destination hotspot 🌴☀️, but I have a confession to make.

I am ready to go home. 🧳

Not in a dramatic airport-meltdown way. Not in a “this trip was terrible” way. More in a “why is everyone pretending Florida has something New York City does not?” way. 😭

Because honestly?

It is all in the imagination. 🪄

People sell Florida like it is some magical escape from real life. Palm trees. Sunshine. Beaches. Outdoor bars. Warm nights. Vacation energy. 🌴🍹🌊

Cute. 😎

New York has sunshine too. We have beaches. We have water. We have parks. We have boardwalks. We have rooftops. We have restaurants, music, culture, chaos, delis, bagels, sidewalks with personality, and people who know how to move with purpose. 🗽🥯🚕🎶

Florida has humidity that walks up to you and assaults your entire nervous system. 🥵💦

And for this heat-intolerant mama, air conditioning is not optional. ❄️

It is not a luxury. It is not a nice little perk. It is not something to debate while people casually leave doors open like they are trying to air-condition the swamp. 🐊🚪

Air conditioning is survival. ❄️🙏

And before anyone thinks I am being dramatic, AncestryDNA already snitched on me. 🧬😂

My DNA traits say I am heat intolerant.

This is not just me being uncomfortable, cranky, or too New York for the swamp. This is biology. This is bloodline evidence. This is my chromosomes filing a formal complaint against Florida. 🥵📋

I had doctors saying the same thing at Rikers.

My body does not play with heat.

And honestly, that tracks, because my ancestors were Vikings. ❄️⚔️

In the mess hall where I worked, they actually called me Viking because I did not mind going outside in the cold to retrieve food shipments.

What they did not know was that I was not just being brave, tough, or naturally Nordic.

The delivery driver tipped me in chocolate milks. 🥛🍫

And in Rikers, chocolate milk was not a beverage.

Chocolate milk was currency.

Chocolate milk was treasure.

Chocolate milk was basically diamonds in a carton. 💎

So yes, I would walk into the cold like a proud little Viking warrior if it meant coming back with contraband-level dairy luxury.

Cold? Fine.

Snow? Fine.

Wind? Fine.

Florida humidity? Absolutely not. 🌴🔥🚫

I am so heat intolerant that when I was at Rikers, medical forbade me from being housed in protective custody because protective custody did not have air conditioning. Let that sink in. 👀

Rikers Island, of all places, understood that this body and extreme heat were not a safe combination. 🔥🚫

I had a special floor card that was white instead of the usual yellow so some unknowing, power-tripping captain could not spitefully move me to a no-AC unit just because they got their panties twisted over something I said. 🃏😤

And believe me, I said plenty. 😇

So when I am in Florida and people act like air conditioning is some optional side character, I have questions.

Big questions. ❓❓❓

Like, are we all pretending this humidity is charming? 🥵

Because humidity is for the birds. Literally. Let the birds have it. Let the lizards have it. Let the palm trees have it. 🐦🦎🌴 I am not built for air that feels like soup. 🍲

And then there is the smoking in bars. 🚬

WTF, Florida? 😭

Civilized states banned smoking indoors about 30 years ago. New York figured out a long time ago that people should be able to hear music, have a drink, and leave without smelling like they spent the night inside an ashtray. 🗽🍸🚫🚬

Apparently Florida did not get the memo. 📩❌

I walked into a bar and suddenly felt like I had time-traveled to 1994, except without the good parts. No pay phones. No cheap rent. Just cigarette smoke and humidity conspiring against my hair, lungs, and will to live. 📼🚬💨

The only thing keeping Florida from being permanently filed under “absolutely not” is love. ❤️

And not even Florida love.

Friend love. 🫶

The kind of love that makes you get on a plane, sweat through your outfit, tolerate humidity that feels personally targeted, and sit in a smoke-friendly bar like you are auditioning for a time-travel documentary called Before Indoor Air Quality Had Rights. ✈️🥵🚬🎬

That is powerful love. 💯

Because if I come back to Florida, it will not be for the weather. It will not be for the humidity. It will not be for the indoor smoking nostalgia tour. 🌴🚫

It will be because my friend lives there, and apparently that is enough to override every instinct that says “absolutely not.” 😭❤️

Sometimes one person can make an entire questionable state seem briefly negotiable. 🫠

Briefly.

Do not get carried away, Florida. 👀

And listen, I am not saying Florida has no charm.

It does. 🌅

There are pretty skies. There are palm trees. There are nice people. There is a slower pace, which some people love. There are beaches and sunsets and vacation drinks with fruit in them. I get it. 🌴🍹🌊

But New York has a pulse. 🗽💓

New York has urgency. New York has rhythm. New York has people who understand that if it is hot outside, the inside better feel like a walk-in freezer or somebody is going to have a problem. ❄️🚕🔥

New York does not ask me to romanticize discomfort. 🙅‍♀️

New York gives me a subway, a corner store, a protest, a parade, a courthouse, a breaking story, a bagel, a migraine, a headline, and 47 things to do before noon. 🚇🏪📣🎉⚖️🥯📰

Florida gives me humidity and asks me to be grateful. 🥵🙏

I am grateful.

I am grateful I visited. 🌴

I am grateful I made the trip. ✈️

I am grateful I got out of New York for a minute and remembered why I belong there. 🗽

Sometimes you need to leave home to realize home is not just where your stuff is. Home is where your body understands the rules. 🧳❤️

My body understands New York.

It understands the pace. It understands the attitude. It understands that a little chaos is normal, but indoor smoking is not. It understands that heat is a public enemy and air conditioning is a human right. ❄️💯

So Florida, no hard feelings. 🌴

You are lovely in theory. 😎

But I need concrete, sirens, subway stairs, cold air blasting out of a bodega, and people who know how to complain correctly. 🏙️🚨🚇❄️

I can’t get back to New York City fast enough. 🗽✈️💙